stuff is cool

Let me set the scene for my life, every week day, from morning till night. Sometimes I never stray further from the bed than to go to somewhere just a few steps away: the den or the bathroom or the kitchen.

I am propped up in bed. Two candles are lit: vanilla and autumn leaves. the TV is sometimes on, sometimes off. Books are stacked by my bed, at least 10 or 12 of them. The bedspread is blue and white like Italian Blue china. I sip Crystal Light green tea. Gigi is under the bed. I type away at my laptop. I make phone call after phone call: to doctors, to work, to clients.

It all sounds relaxing, but all the candles and blue and white bedspreads in the world cannot hold back the stress when it boils over.

Work and wedding planning and health press on my fragile body from every angle. I don’t eat, and when I do, it’s not much, or it doesn’t stay down, because my stomach is tied in knots almost all the time. Danny frowns if h is here to witness it.

My hair is always in a ponytail, because it has become long and ragamuffin, but I am too afraid to go anywhere alone these days, even to get a haircut.

My veins are showing. I am starting to look like my bedspread.

I have had such a stressful day with my job coordinating the magazine we do for a client at work. Many tears on my part. I am not very professional and I take everything personally.

So my mind wanders when I am trying to calm down. The Bourne Identity is on in the background.

My mind wanders to Harry Potter. What Death Eater could Clive Owen play?

On another note, absinthe has returned to the United States. A trip back in time. www.drinklucid.com

I need to stay as lucid as possible. Best stay away from the Green Fairy.

I must venture out to go to my mom’s to pick up some thank you notes she ordered for me. In ten minutes I’ll leave, I tell myself. Ten more minutes of safety, and then I have to go out there. Alone.

Ten more minutes.