stuff is cool

I also posted this on my Xanga, so Xanga readers need not read on, but some of my friends read only this, and I sometimes I want to muse on an outlet that is more respectable than Xanga. Xanga is like my rough draft of my stuffiscool posts.

I kind of fell apart this morning. I woke up in a considerable amount of pain from my arthritis, and sometimes it makes me fall to pieces. I get overemotional when I am hurting, and then when Danny left to go to work I just lost it because I feel so damn helpless on my Bad Arthririts Days. I get frustrated, angry, depressed, and sobby. I start missing my mom and dad and start getting scared that someday soon I’ll stop being able to take care of myself. I can’t even walk across the street to get my meds. I had to call in sick to work. I would take a hot bath, but I can’t climb into the tub without help. So I kind of had a meltdown and called my mom and my dad and begged my dad to come comfort me (my mom works an hour away and is too busy). I hate it when I get like this, a blubbering mess who feels like a burden on those I love.

I am waiting for my dad to come now, and also for my rheumatologist to call to help advise me on what to do now that I am going to be alone most of the day and pretty immobile. I am hoping he can prescribe something a little less toxic than Vicodin, which, though effective, tends to make me throw up when I am feeling partcualrly bad.

But see, I DID take charge (after crying to my parents) and I called the doctor and looked up the pharmacy number and even talked to my psych. I am taking care of myself as best I can from the safety of my bed. I am not totally helpless, or hopeless.

I tend to get pretty panicky and negative when I am hurrting. I am not sure what kind of mommy I can be on days like this in the (distant) future, and that (totally premature) worrying may be part of why my stomach gets so bad when my JRA flares up. It’s a vicious circle. Fortunately it’s only my larager joints that hurt right now (my shoulder and my ankles and knees) so I am still able to type and work even though I called in sick today.

My dad is on his way here to come help take care of me and get my meds, and also to just comfort me becauase, well, I adore my dad and he comforts me and encourages me to take care of myself.. He helps restore that driving force I sometimes lose when I get really sick and I need a boost. I love my mom and dad, and they have been dealing wih my disability (yes, I consider it a disability and I am not ashamed) since I was 3 years old. I may fall apart sometimes when the helplessness sets in, but they, and especially my dad, remind me that I am NOT helpless.

I just want my Daddy to come give m a hug right now. That will help make me feel better, almost as much as Vicodin does.